Joe Best's alt.rock-n-roll.stones Songbook

Paintball Wizard (Townshend, Best)

Ever since I was a young boy, I weighed 300 pounds
From Almond Joy to Reeses, my favorite bar was Mounds
Don't go near him when he's eating, he makes disgusting sounds
That fat, slow, and dumb kid--sure plays a mean Paintball!

Stands only when he has to, prefers to sit on his fat butt
Looks like he is pregnant, with that gigantic gut
Complains about the newsgroup, "Is that a Pizza Hut?"
That fat, slow and dumb kid--sure plays a mean Paintball!

He's a Paintball Wizard, why is he so damn good
A Paintball Wizard, pretends his opponents are food.
"Why do I love White Castle" (we all know)
"Fast food tastes so good"

Aint got no distractions, when it comes to dinner time
He's focused on that food, "That whole roast beef is mine"
Always goes for seconds, never seen him full
That fat, slow, and dumb kid--sure plays a mean Paintball!

"I thought this group was about the Rolling Stones,
Everybody listen to me piss and moan"

Even on his dinner table, he'll out eat the best
If you can't finish your food, he'll clean up the rest
He's got crazy flipper fingers, you should see him with a fork
That fat, slow and dumb kid--sure plays a mean Paintball!

Paint It Black, You Devin (Jagger, Richards, Best)

I see some posts on this newsgroup that I don't like
I told that joebest he should get lost, take a hike.
I see people don't reply, to my lame assed posts
Maybe i should stick to paintball, cause my brain is toast.

I see a lot of people i've never seen before
Why don't you read my posts, am I such a bore?
If i try hard enough to muster up a flame
It will be the same old crap, why are my posts so lame?

If i get desperate and can't think of things to say
I'll just re-hash the same insults from yesterday.
Maybe then i'll get respect from the posters i used to hate
Or maybe i'll hurt someone's feelings, wouldn't that be great.

I see a line of posts that are not on-topic
If onestep left i'd have no-one's ass left to lick.
If i cry long enough will they go away?
Or will they decide it's more fun, if they just stay.

Waaa waaa waaa waaaa waaaa waaaa
My newsgroup's not the same
Waaa waaa waaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa
Why are my posts so lame?
Waaa waaaa waaa waaaa waaa waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa waaa.....

Get Off Of My Food (Jagger, Richards, Best)

I live on fast food and i don't care cause it tastes so damn fine
I wait on line at Wendys, "can I get ahead of you, I can't wait to get mine"
People walk away from me cause I make such disgusting sounds
My doctor said, "Doug, you better stop, you weigh 300 pounds"

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my food
Hey! You! Get off of my food
Hey! You! Get off of my food
Just let me be, another malted for me Love my food,baby

I make a call to the pizza place they say we're sorry we're closed for the night
He says "It's 3 a.m. won't you give it up, your pants are so tight"
I said "please one more pie and I won't call back"
He hung up so now i have to hunt down a Big Mac

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my food
Hey! You! Get off of my food
Hey! You! Get off of my food
Just let me be, another malted for me Love my food,baby

I was sick and tired of looking for a place with fast food
When I'm hungry I get into an awful mood
My mind is racing, what kind of food can I get
Then I found an all night diner--now I'm all set

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my food
Hey! You! Get off of my food
Hey! You! Get off of my food
Just let me be, another malted for me Love my food,baby

They're Only Meat-A-Balls (But I Like Them) (Jagger/Richards/Best)

If I could stick my fork in your plate And I could eat both of our meals
Would it satisfy me, no food can slide by me "Can I have 12 Happy Meals, Happy Meals"
I swim and I swim, but it don't do a thing. My blubber i try to hide
Nothing is enough to satisfy me "Yes I'd like my pork chops fried, pork chops fried"

I said I know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them
I Know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them, like them, yes i do
Oh well I like them, I like them, I like them. Spaghetti too, hey I
don't want them to feel lonely.

I have no concern for what this does to my heart I'm eating myself to death
I'm so damn fat it looks like I have big tits These tacos give you nasty breath, nasty breath
Paintball has helped me deal with my pain It's a sport even obese can play
My grocery bill is so damn high Do you know how much I have to pay,
have to pay

I said I know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them
I Know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them, like them, yes i do
Oh well I like them, I like them, I like them Spaghetti too, hey I
don't want them to feel lonely.

And do you know my shape is round?
Oh shit, I've gained 30 more pounds!

I said I know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them
I said I know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them
I said I know they're only meat-a-balls but I like them, like them, yes i do
Oh well I like them, I like them, I like them

19th Burger Today (Jagger, Richards, Best)

I'm the kind of person you meet at "all you can eat" buffets
Sitting down, looking rather round, I can stay here for days.
It seems there's not enough time in a day for all I want to eat
And with my stomach so big, it's been years, since I've seen my feet.

You better stop--put it down
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes my 19th burger today

When I was a child the kids picked on me, because I was so fat
But I got revenge, cause when they turned their heads, I'd eat their dog or cat
But playing paintball has turned into the greatest thing I never lose,
cause when they look for me, I hide out at Burger King

You better stop--put it down
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your 19th burger today

Oh who's to blame My weight's just insane
Well nothing i eat can satisfy My crazy hunger, I wonder why
Obeeeese

You think it's cool to call someone "Drool", but really you're a bore
You had two helpings at dinner time, but still you cry for more
McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King, it's really all the same
But it's funny how in every fast food joint, they know you by name

You better stop--put it down
Here it comes Here comes your 19th burger today
Here comes your 19th burger today

Sympathy For The Devin (Jagger, Richards, Best)

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man that likes the taste
Of donuts and other fatty foods, I have a gigantic waist
I'm shaped round , tried to lose some pounds
When I realized it was too late
I have to say honestly, there is no food i actually hate

Please do feed me, can you guess my weight
I'll be 400 pounds if I keep eating at this rate.

I stuck around the paintball group, and I argued with the people there
Not a very good sport to play, for someone with such a large derriere.
Have rolls of fat, I'm a netcop rat
Hate you fucking trolls, "Is that a buttered roll"?

Please do feed me, can you guess my weight
I'll be 400 pounds if I keep eating at this rate.

(waa waa, waa waa)
(waa, waa, waa, waa)
(waa, waa, waa, waa)

Please do feed me, can you guess my weight
I'll be 400 pounds if I keep eating at this rate.

Just as jelly drips from the side of my face
And ALL desserts are great!
My homo friends, just call me, Devvy Luv
And I'm in need of some pancakes
So if your're near me, watch your dinner plate
Have some sympathy, for my weight
All your accounts will be terminated
Did I mention, donuts are great!
Yeah!


Please do feed me, can you guess my weight
I'll be 400 pounds if I keep eating at this rate.

(waa waa, waa, waa)
(waa waa, waa, waa)
(waa waa, waa, waa)

I Eat Like A Machine (Waters, Gilmour, Best)

I eat, yumm yumm
I eat, like a machine
Where is my meal
Hey waiter, you know where's my meal!

I've played paintball many a time
Trying to distance myself from Onestep and Ty
We see from their posts, they're not very bright
I always liked food,and i'm one fat, scary dood

So I eat......like a machine

I eat, yumm yumm
I eat, like a machine
Where is my meal
Hey asshole I ordered the veal!

The service in here is pretty damn slow
I ate all the bread, the salad and oh,
Can't wait for my meal, please bring it real soon
If not, I'll eat the forks and the spoons

Cause I eat....like a machine.

Dine On You Lazy Bastard (Gilmour, Waters, Wright, Best)

Remember when you were young, You still weighed a ton
Dine On You lazy Bastard

Now there's a look in your eyes, "Is that a blueberry pie"
Dine On You lazy Bastard

You were shot with a paintball, your ass was too large
It's hard to hide something that large
It's too easy a target, but who really cares
Ignore all the laughter and taunting and go on and dine.

You reached for the menu too soon, you cried for a spoon
Dine On You lazy Bastard

Your scale unfortunately doesn't lie, "I'll have pastrami on rye"
Dine On You lazy Bastard

Well you wore out your welcome, at the buffets
They can't make a profit with you
Come on you glutton, you uncontrolable eater
Come on you paintballer, you lover of food, and dine!

Let My Asshole Bleed (Jagger, Richards, Best)

Well we all know, Ty is, very stupid
And does he want it? Yes with no vaseline.
Yeah we all know, Ty is, such a moron
And does he want it? Yes with no vaseline.

Kid says "my ass, will always be open
Ty baby, you can stick your little thing right in me"
And it always makes you look very stupid
When you're trolled, so....easily.

Well we all know, Ty is, very stupid
And does he want it? Yes with no vaseline.
Yeah we all know, Ty is, such a moron
And does he want it? Yes with no vaseline.

He was dreaming of a three-some with Step and Devin
But Kid Leopard is so jealous that won't be
So he banged him in his dirty, filthy asshole
With that big fat cock
"oh how good it felt for me"

We all need, someone, we can shit on
That's why Ty's here, 'cause we can shit on him
"Touch me here, touch me there, oh Kid give it to me in the rear."

Well we all know, Ty is, very stupid
And does he want it? Yes with no vaseline.
Yeah we all know, Ty is, such a moron
And does he want it? Yes with no vaseline.
And no KY

Yeah...

Ahhh, Kid leopard
Ahhh, Kid leopard
Ahhh, Kid leopard
You can come all over me.

My Long And Winding Posts (Lennon/McCartney/Best)


My long and winding posts, that run on for
What seems like eternity, god I'm such a bore
Before anyone finishes reading them, they begin to snore

I look like such a fool, if you read what I say
I ramble on and on, crying for the day
When the newsgroup was troll free, Dougie save the day

Many times I've forged away, and many times I've lied
When blatantly I've been caught, I have just denied

But still I sit and write, all my long and winding posts
I'm not the dumbest person here, but it's pretty close
Don't fall asleep reading me, I'll posts fake pics some more

Waa, waa, waa, waa. waa....

Wrestler Boy TY (Jagger, Richards,Best)

I was born and my parents regret the day
Wrestling Kid Leopard is certainly gay

But I love men, "look at that tight ass"
But I love men, I'm wrestler boy Ty
I love ass, ass,ass

I was raised and thrown down on the mat
Did I mention, that DG Devin's fat?

But you know that my posts lack any wit
I just want men, I don't ever want to touch
A tit, tit, tit

I try hard, but my posts still come out lame
I feel proud, that I found joebest's real name
The "Kid" dropped his pants so obviously I knelt
When we wrestle, I always grab below the belt
Below the belt

But I love men, "look at that tight ass"
But I love men, I'm wrestler boy Ty
I love ass, ass,ass

Wrestler Ty Steel, let me grab your ass
Wrestler Ty Steel, only if you're a man.
Wrestler Ty Steel

Leopard's Little Helper (Jagger, Richards, Best)

What a drag it is getting trolled.

Trolls are different today
I hear every netcop say
I just need a lawyer today to help me out
And though my posts show i am ill
My asshole i want it filled

He goes running for the shelter, he's Kid Leopard's little helper
It just helps him feel secure, "oh, Kid, please give me some more"

Trolls are different today
I hear every netcop say
When I'm at home with Kid I dress up in drag
So I buy nice lingerie, it's so obvious I'm gay
He goes running for the shelter, he's Kid Leopard's little helper
It just makes him feel secure, "oh, Kid, please give me some more"

Lawyer please, I'm on my knees
I'm such a bore, "there must be a law"

What a drag it is getting trolled.

Gay men are different today
I hear every poofsteur say
They just don't realize your knees get tired
They're so hard to satisfy, love giving oral, don't know why
He goes running for the shelter, he's Kid Leopard's little helper
It just makes him feel secure, "oh, Kid, please give me some more"

Lawyer please, I'm on my knees
I'm such a bore, "there must be a law"

What a drag it is getting trolled.

Trolls just spam too much today
I hear every netcop say
My posts to this newsgroup are such a bore
And if you read all of mine, you will see me piss and whine
He goes running for the shelter, he's Kid Leopard's little helper
It just makes him feel secure, "oh, Kid, please give me some more"

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