From:       Suzieflame <Suziefl...@yachtmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.flame,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.fan.karl-malden.nose
Subject:    [X] ALT.FLAME 2004 AWARDS - AND THE WINNERS (AND LOSERS) ARE....[X]
Date:       Thu, 23 Dec 2004 22:43:34 +0100



	***********************************************
	                  WELCOME TO
	                     THE
   	             ALT.FLAME AWARDS 2004
	***********************************************


Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the most star-studded event in the
alt.flame calendar, a night when the good and the great, the weak and
the woeful, gather together to recognise the best and worst
performances of the year in alt.flame. It's a tradition stretching
back in to the darkest years of the early 1990's, and tonight we are
privileged to be joining some of the brightest talents ever to grace
these hallowed aisles in a ceremony to recognize old and new talent.

I'm surrounded by a star-spangled galaxy of... well.. stars. And some
dark matter. And we're here to celebrate both. Over there you can see
K**gan and Tricia O'Tauma reliving those heady early days of flame
with '73 Chevy Pickup. There's clearly some tension in the air.

Raoul Xemblinosky and Jeff 2-Below Boyd are looking relaxed, smoking
large cigars and exchanging mots bon in an air of gentile nobility
that becomes such giants of the medium.

Prof Kevin Walsh has arrived, surrounded by a bevy of rather cheap
looking Englishwomen. But they do seem to be enjoying the leering and
catcalls coming from the direction of John Kerrens, who has flown in
all the way from his Australian studios where I hear he is recording
an album called "Loud Things to Annoy My Neighbours". Sounds like a
hot release. There's Jeroen van Kessel, wandering around aimlessly arm
in arm with Mark Bullock, chatting blithely and occasionally knocking
aside intellectual lightweights who fall in their path. 

And off to the right, in a corner surrounded by his wife and kids, I
think that's Big Daddy Zeus - he's put on weight - scowling at Tim
Thorne and.... could those somewhat Hitler-esque figures really be
Jules and FyRe? Well it's that kind of night, a time to forgive and
forget - or for some, a chance to re-live and regret. 

And scattered amongst the front rows, those nominees for tonight's
glittering prizes - there's Jack Maxfield, accompanied by Pookie,
looking every inch the elder statesman. Behind him, row after row of
hope, all connected by umbilical to NNTP servers - Dean Humphries,
looking pale but unusually under control; Jet, flicking her hair
contemptuously in the face of Jason Christie; Nora Peal and Michele
dall'Agata, making out like a pair of snails; Ari Asikainen has
arrived with a dog sled team, complete with his usual Thuraya Polar
uplink; and if I'm not mistake even newcomer Bonehead - excuse me,
Bone>saw< is in the audience, looking nervous and somewhat out of
place. 
   
But now it's time for the flag to drop and the bullshit to stop. The
lights are dimming, and our host is strutting onto the stage to
rapturous applause. After many hours of deliberation, it now time to
open the golden envelope, and reveal the highlights and lowlifes of
the year: Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the alt.flame awards
2004.... 


And the winners are.....